Going back to the Law #1 which states that everyone born into a family actually belongs to it (and adoption counts, as well), bad things happen when a family member is denied their space by other family members.
An empty space in the family system invites trouble.
I like to call this The Void.
The family system doesn’t “forget” a member. And if someone is ousted from their place, the family system keeps that space “empty”.
At the same time, just like nature, a family system abhors a vacuum.
So the system tries to fill that empty space.
And someone always volunteers.
Which is a bad thing.
Filling someone else’s space is hard.
There are several reasons why filling the void is bad for the entire system – but better than leaving it empty – and bad for the individual filling the position.
Filling the void with another person is still a massive disruption of the family system. It disturbs the balance, it tilts its energy, and it often creates another, smaller void a generation further down.
The ripples of a void can be felt even generations later, when nobody remembers anymore what happened. They get smaller and diffuse eventually, but it would be much better to avoid them completely
It’s also bad for the volunteer.
First, the volunteer generally has no idea they volunteered to be someone else within the family system. This tends to happen on a subconscious level, without a true decision, but it also usually happens out a deep love for the family – this is a sacrifice in the true sense.
examples are the eldest son filling the void of a father who left and was denounced by his wife, a daughter “replacing” a mother kicked out from the family, a kid filling the position of her black sheep aunt or uncle, etc.
(Yes, these are amazing plot elements. Let your writerly brain play with this.)
Second, the volunteer has a very hard time living their own life, since they are busy filling the void of a person they may not even have known. They are trying to live two lives and fill two positions in the family system – which cannot function very well.
Their sense of self can also be warped – because how can they know who they really are if they are busy replacing someone else? If they work to represent energy that’s not their own?
Can you imagine the confusion this can cause?
How to heal a void:
Fortunately, there is a very easy way to avoid creating a void or to heal one if it has been created by an earlier generation.
The solution is very simple: Recognize that this person has a space in the family system, and give it back to them.
Of course, it’s never quite that easy, because a person usually gets kicked out of a family for a reason and there is often a lot of anger, resentment and grief around the whole situation.
If a man leaves his pregnant girlfriend to disappear without a trace, it is quite likely she’ll hate him and deny his space in the family. Even more so if she does find a new partner who accepts her and the baby.
But the family system remembers… and has a space for that man.
If a husband embezzles money from the family business, obtains a divorce before it all blows up and leaves the ex-wife to deal with the bankrupcy and debt caused by his actions, it’s very understandable that the ex-wife denies his space in the family and casts him out.
But the system remembers… and the void cannot be denied.
This is an uncomfortable truth.
These bad people still belong to the family. It is their birthright. It is the result of their marriage and the result of having children.
And that is very hard to accept.
But accepting that these people are – unfortunately – part of the family doesn’t mean condoning their deeds. It doesn’t even mean they have to be forgiven.
All they have is that position within the family.
All they can demand is their space in the family.
And once back in the family system, they will be subject to Law #3, which is about balance, and giving and taking.
The man who left his pregnant girlfriend? He owes a massive debt and will – whether he knows it or not – spend his life making up for that debt. It’s a bit like karma, except within the family system.
The husband who embezzled the money? It’s highly unlikely he’ll live happy ever after – because he owes a huge family system debt to the people he betrayed.
And giving them that space, that position which is theirs?
It ensure that the debt will hang around their necks.
That feels good, doesn’t it?
Time to heal that void.
The simplest way is to get a picture of that person or to draw one, so they have a physical representation.
Then speak to that picture and tell them exactly what their place in the family system is and that it is theirs to fill.
No more and no less – it’s their position, their responsibility and their duty to fill it.
There is also no need for forgiveness, for any fake love, or any demonstration of being chummy relatives. All they get is their position, with everything it encompasses.
And yet, this step is incredibly powerful.
Because with it, you’re also calling in the debt.
That sentence gives me goosebumps, btw. Because there is amazing power in it. It’s not about revenge, you see. It’s about balance. Which can only happen if that person has access to and is pulled back into their position.
And I do have some tapping phrases to make this easier for you if you happen to have a void in your family system.
Even though reading about this void is scary and unpleasant, I’m totally okay the way I am, and I’m open to taking a closer look at my family system – and to heal any void that might exist.
Even though I can’t imagine letting xyz back into my family system, what they did was so unbelievably horrible, I’m still totally okay the way I am, and I’m now open to the idea that it’s better to call them back than to have someone else try to live two lives.
Even though it feels horrible to accept that xyz is my [position] when I really don’t want such a bad person as part of my family system, I’m still totally okay the way I am, and I now choose to see that letting them back in will also call in the debt they owe to my family system.
How does it feel to think about a potential void in your family?
How does it feel knowing it can be healed?
What happened while you were tapping?
And finally – what are you creating right now?
Please share in a comment.
Image Source: F. Moebius
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